It Doesn't Have to Be Lonely at the Top

A few months ago I was reading an article in the Chronicle of Higher Education on the "friend deficit" among campus leaders. (By the way, the Chronicle is a must-read for library deans and directors. More on this in Thursday's article)

I was struck by a couple of things in this piece. For one, I was startled to learn that there's a significant "friend gap" among higher-ed leaders; I hadn't noticed one myself, but quickly realized that I might be an outlier in this regard – partly because I'm unusually fortunate in my leadership and management team, partly because I have rich and rewarding social networks outside of the profession, and partly because I'm unusually introverted and may not be as sensitive to a "friend gap" as my more extroverted colleagues would be.

Anyway, the article offers what strikes me as very sound counsel for avoiding loneliness at the top, including:

• "Be friendly but don't insist on friendship" (you should always be warm, open, and helpful, but beware of making your staff uncomfortable by playing the "be my friend" card)
• "Build at least some friendships that aren't about talking shop" (these may be either inside or outside your organization; for example, I have a couple of people in my library with whom I talk regularly about shared musical interests)
• "Devote time to friendships with no higher-ed connection" (we all have such friendships – but how much time do we carve out for them?)
• "Make friends in high places... far away" (cultivate friendships with leaders in positions similar to yours at other institutions)
• "Don't assume that professional conflict will end your friendship" (just because you're at odds with someone over a budget or managerial or strategic issue does not mean your personal relationship has to rupture)

I would add a few more items to the above list:

• Build a leadership team you can trust. It makes a huge, huge difference to your emotional health if you have deep confidence and trust in the people who report directly to you. Building such a team can take time, of course – you don't control whom you inherit when you come into a leadership position. But in many cases there are also ways to build and nurture trust with those already on your team. We'll probably discuss this further in the future.
• Involve lots of people in your decision-making, especially in times of organizational change. Working side by side with good people through a difficult process can build long-lasting bonds of trust and mutual esteem. You'll find that this experience also broadens and deepens the pool of candidates for future leadership, including potential members of your own leadership team.
• Be (appropriately) open about your challenges and frustrations. This can be a delicate balance; you don't want to overshare or give your people the impression that it's their job to reassure you or buck you up. But don't be afraid to laugh at yourself when you screw up, to express disappointment when one of your initiatives doesn't work out, or to let people know that you're facing a difficult health situation or a major life transition. On the one hand, you need to project confidence and competence; on the other hand, everyone screws up sometimes, and a leader who models a healthy ability to acknowledge screw-ups and move on will be a blessing to those who look to her as an example. Finding that balance is one of the great (and rewarding) challenges of leadership – and it leads to greater trust between you and your team, and thus less loneliness at the top.

Takeaways and Action Items

• If you feel lonely in your position, ask yourself some diagnostic questions: how much do I trust my team? Where are my most important relationships? At what times or in what situations do I find myself feeling lonely?
• Be friend to the people you lead; but don't make them feel pressured into being your friend.
• If you often find yourself feeling lonely in your job, look around and see if someone else in your organization is struggling. Ask yourself: what could I do to improve how that person feels working here? Then watch what happens when you extend yourself on that person's behalf.